When Grief is Hard to Bear…

beachbench1watermark

 A couple of weeks ago was the two year anniversary of Mama’s passing.
A couple of weeks before that, was the one year anniversary of Daddy’s.

The day before the anniversary of when Mama left (what is that day called anyway? Passawayversary? Leftusversary? Saddestdayofmylifeversary? I don’t know) … I found myself at one of my favorite spots… the ocean… my “happy place”.

The exact location was both a happy place and a sad one.
It was where we had taken Mama and Daddy one day. It was their first time to the ocean since they had moved in with us. Neither of them could actually go onto the beach because it was too difficult with Mama’s walker and with Daddy’s cane and prosthetic leg… but they sat at this bench… at this exact spot… and stood by these rails… savoring the salt air, the vastness of the great ocean, and the voices and sight of their grandchildren (whom had always lived so far away but had now shared a home with).

I wonder what thoughts… what contemplations… what emotions…
blew in with the sea air.
I remember they had looked so contented… more than that in certain moments and perhaps even less than that in others. What an ocean of thoughts and emotions that can sweep over us by simply sitting at the beach.

I’m not sure how to describe what I felt as I sat on the same bench that Mama once sat at… and put my toes in the sand where she, too, enjoyed the softness of the sand… to see the railing where Daddy stood and stared off into the vastness of the ocean, taking it all in. We all thought they would still be here now.

I remember watching them. Their lives were so hard – I won’t share details but they were warriors… and to give them the ocean was one small thing we could do to add to the joy in their lives. My heart filled with gratitude… and a melancholy too.

They both left so suddenly. And only 11 months apart. How does that happen?
After living hundreds – sometimes thousands – of miles away… to Mama and Daddy sharing our home with us… to being an adult orphan.
And they were so young… only 58 and 59… and so was I… and my sister and brother… and our children.

My relationship with them was a good one. Praise Yah!
In fact, Mama was my best friend.
Why did God think I didn’t need her anymore? Or Daddy?

Recently, I really struggled with feeling angry and alone.
Angry at people… friends… family. I needed my mama. I needed my daddy.
I needed the one who loved me no matter what – who I could call and cry to and share all of the ugly things I was thinking… and wouldn’t think any less of me or love me any less… who was my cheerleader… my support system… the one who always believed in me even when I didn’t believe in myself… the one who told me everything would be okay…

I sat and listened to the waves crash as the salt air swept over me… and my eyes, once again, began to leak.

And I hear something…
a still small voice… HIS still small voice…
and I feel Him envelope me in a blanket of understanding, of compassion, of comfort, of peace, and of love.

“I know you miss them.”, He whispers, “I know life is harder in many ways now that they are with Me.”

“My dear, precious daughter… I AM.
I AM all of those things to and for you. I love you no matter what.
You can call and cry to Me all of the ugly things you feel and think
and I will think no less of you.
I AM your biggest cheerleader and support system.
I believe in you… always.
Everything WILL be okay and I AM working all things for good in your life.
And I will NEVER leave you. I AM with you, in you, around you… always.
You are NOT alone… You are not ALONE… YOU are NOT alone.
Your daddy and mama are with Me and at rest.
And you are not alone…
my brave and cherished daughter.
Never alone.”

HalleluYah \0/

About Christina K

Woman. Wife. Mompreneur. Empowerment Coach. Home Educator. Essential Oil Educator. Book and Tea enthusiast.
This entry was posted in Growing in Grief, Uncategorized and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to When Grief is Hard to Bear…

  1. May you find comfort in the Word . . .
    “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.” Matthew 5:4

    I have no words and can only imagine the waves of grief that crash. I’m so sorry.

  2. Kathy says:

    I have not had to experience this yet but I know it’s coming. I am glad you will see them again one day. What a homecoming that will be for all of you!

  3. Karen Thomas says:

    You have a gift for words. This is a beautiful post. I can relate in so many ways. We lost our daughter in law 18 months ago. She was only 32 and our granddaughter was only 3 at the time. So hard indeed but He is here with us and I know He knows best.

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